so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
