new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Mom said you looked used
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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