There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
