ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
