you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
