the condom got lost in my hair
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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