First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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