I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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