just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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