On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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