apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
