how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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