I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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