Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
