omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
