My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
