the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize