my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
