Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
