This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
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