the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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