To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
