So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Can you bring me the toilet please
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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