ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
