Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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