did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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