well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You made out with two different species that night
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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