i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
