Your mouth is God's brothel.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
