I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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