I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
