Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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