It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
