i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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