So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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