Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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