She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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