I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
