My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
