Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
