My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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