i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Randomize
