You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
