found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
