Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize