since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
