I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
