Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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