The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
