Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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