Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
