if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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