I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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