I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
