The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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