tell your sister to shave her snatch
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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