how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
