just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
